Catholics, Pronouns, and the Transgender Conversation

He asked me to call him something other than his legal name—I didn’t feel comfortable with that. Granted, he was a stranger, so there wouldn’t be the awkwardness of being used to calling him something else, but it still made me uneasy. We’d been emailing back and forth to set up a time, and when I mentioned that I wasn’t sure I could call him that and asked what an alternative might be, he merely dodged the question. The name he wanted me to call him was Father Sam.

But I couldn’t call him “Father.” He wasn’t one. He wasn’t my biological father, and after countless hurtful experiences with priests in the years prior, I couldn’t begin to consider that this man was my spiritual father. Just being in the same room as a priest would be difficult enough; why couldn’t he understand that? He used the title “Father” only because of his position in the Catholic Church, so why was he demanding that I use his terms when I didn’t (at the time) even agree with his set of beliefs?

Catholics are probably the most comfortable group of people in the world when it comes to people changing their names. Think of the religious sisters or brothers who adopt different names when they take their vows (or the confusion when you meet your first Sister Michale or Brother Mary). Or can you imagine someone walking up to Pope Francis and calling him Jorge? Yet, when it comes to transgender individuals, a subset of Catholicism is perhaps the most vocal in condemning people’s chosen names. Catholics must recognize that using people’s preferred names and pronouns is not an assault on the truth but essential to loving people with the humility of Jesus.   

In June 2019, Catholicism made its first formal foray into transgender dialogue through the Vatican document, “Male and Female He Created Them.” It addresses “the question of gender theory,” describing it as an “educational crisis” fueled by teaching and legislation that diverges from true Christian anthropology. Although it advocates for listening and dialogue, it contradicts this intent by stating that the current cultural approach to the topic “precludes dialogue.” The document prioritizes ideological defense over acknowledging that this conversation is ultimately about individuals and fails to bring nuance to this multifaceted topic.

The questions surrounding sex and gender are complex, intertwining the disciplines of psychology, anthropology, and morality. The very question of whether someone can be transgender cuts to the heart of what it means to be made in God’s image, the connectedness of body and soul, and the essence of our identity. It is a conversation that demands nuance. Yet the prevailing rhetoric I see from some Catholics is that being transgender is wrong because “male and female he created them.” It’s no better than the trite phrase, “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” If Catholics want to be taken seriously as a people intent on redeeming culture, then they must begin by taking seriously and listening to the aches of the people in this culture. It’s not merely a matter of a convincing approach but of engaging with this world as Jesus did.

God took seriously the hurts of this world. He did not view the sin of humanity as an educational crisis, nor the solution as simply informing humanity of his benevolence along with an outline for a better way to live. God has entered our humanity fully. Jesus came as one of us, speaking our language, living in our reality, and joining in our tears. The incarnation is so familiar to us that we fail to recognize how degrading it is to imagine an omnipotent being who needed his diaper changed. Yet this is the God we serve, whose heart is intent on demonstrating his love and closeness to us over his power and might. We serve a God who comes to us and meets us where we are.

Using the name and pronouns a person asks us to is acting like the incarnational God we serve. It is the first step in dialoguing with people on this topic as we begin not on our terms but on theirs. Like Jesus, we speak the language of those we love. Using a person’s name and pronouns enters their reality as Jesus did ours, where we do not immediately correct and admonish but instead demonstrate God’s closeness. Jesus did not convince by demanding people recognize the truth; he loved and bore witness to the truth of God’s love.

When I meet a priest now, I will call him father. Not because he is my spiritual father but out of respect for his office, and that “father” is the title he prefers to go by. I would ask Catholics to bring the same respect when engaging with transgender people they meet. It is not denying reality or failing at your Catholic faith; it’s meeting someone where they are. And before someone can jump in and say that Jesus corrected and admonished people to defend the truth let me respond by saying yes. Jesus admonished people, but foremost, he admonished the religious elite and called out their tendency to lay heavy burdens on others while doing nothing to help them.

The transgender community—perhaps more so than any other letter in the alphabet mafia—has been demonized and ostracized by many in the Catholic Church. If we want to reflect Christ’s love, we must begin by calling people by the names they ask us to use. It is a simple act that can open the door to deeper conversations about the truth of who God is. Catholics, I challenge you to move this conversation away from a debate over ideologies and return to speaking with people. Remember, the gospel isn’t a correct worldview; it introduces people to our God: He goes by Jesus, and his pronouns are he/him.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash